Jane Taubenfeld Cohen

In many of our Solomon Schechter Day Schools, our Heads of School write to parents. We write in newsletters, in journals, in emails and in letters. Lately, many of us have chosen to add blogging to our repertoire. In our school, the South Area Solomon Schechter Day School, we started blogging this school year.

The Board of Directors of the Solomon Schechter Day School Association thinks we should share samples of what we write- whether it is simply for the sake of sharing, for learning from each other, or to get a sense of the richness of what is happening across the different schools in our Movement. Various Head of School from the Schechter Schools will be choosing something to share each week. I am diving right in with the first entry.

I have chosen one of my blog entries to share because this is the one that seemed to get the most response from the parents, even though many chose to respond by email instead of within the blog.

I welcome your feedback, discussion, questions….and feel free to view my other entries on this blog.

I have been a Jewish educator for many years.  I have worked at this school for 20 years.  I love what I do and I am passionate about educating and nurturing Jewish children.  Over the years, I have been concerned about the rise in pressure on our children.  I have written about this before, but over the last few years, I have had the opportunity to talk to middle schoolers about the pressures they feel in life and I have been saddened to hear their stories. 

Most often, parents are not aware that their children have internalized a perceived pressure for success.  Kids are worried that their parents expect them “to be perfect” or “to be as good as” an older sibling.  It almost does not matter whether or not a parent has expressed this expectation.  Their children have felt it.  They interpret or misinterpret a raised eyebrow, a lack of response on a grade, or a “keep trying harder” as disappointment.  In a group of fifteen young teens that I spoke with the other day, almost all of them talked about the sense that they could not live up to expectations.  Upon further probing from me, it was very rare that a parent had actually given a direct message about expectations.  The intensity of feelings amongst these students was palpable. 

It has given me a lot to think about.  When 8th graders are worried that they will not get into college unless they have perfect grades, or that they can never do as well professionally as their parents, or that they are not as good as an older sibling who plays an instrument, excels at a sport, or who eased through school, I wonder if we have to do some explicit work on making sure that we alleviate some of that pressure.  I wonder what we need to do so that they feel loved and accepted. 

In addition to all of these issues, our kids are exposed to a media that makes them think that they should have a boyfriend/girlfriend in middle school and that happiness is about those relationships. 

How many of us have had a straight discussion with our children about how we do not expect them to be perfect?  How many times have we told our children that they do not need to obsess about college when they are in 8th grade?  How about the message that most middle schoolers have not been involved in a relationship and that it is healthier to just be friends at those ages?   How many of us have made sure that our own frenetic life styles have not given our children the wrong message about childhood?  Our kids, your kids, deserve to be children.  They need to think that it is ok to not grow up too fast.   
 
I am not suggesting that we want our children to be slackers or to not do their homework.  I am suggesting that we help them balance their lives, that we help them understand that doing well in school is only one part of their lives, and that make sure they know that  we all take our own route towards our future.  Some of us need to calm down because our own nervousness about the future is being felt by our children.  We need to take a deep breath and have faith in our children and they need to know that. 

I do not have all the answers nor am I perfect at this myself.  I will say that I am moved deeply by the pain that our students are feeling.  Because I speak to colleagues around the country, I know that this is an issue in most places.  I know that it is far from unique to the Jewish world, the day school world, or our own day school.   But, that does not stop me from thinking we can do this better.  We can give better messages.  We can help our children find balance, find satisfaction, and find some kind of inner strength and peace.

Jane Taubenfeld Cohen
Head of School